My Movie Weakness: Michael Bay
First: read this. Possibly the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks and weeks.
Okay, let’s be honest, I consider myself a cinephile – a movie snob – a film geek. Though there are still films on the certified celluloid shut-in list that I need to see (one of these days I’ll get around to Deer Hunter and Ordinary People), I can hold my own in a classic/great film debate. I’ll fight to the death over the Casablanca vs. Citizen Kane debate (hint: it’s Casablanca – best movie ever). I’ll talk cinematic techniques of Hitchcock. I catch all the Oscar films most years – in the theatre, thank you very much.
But I do have a weakness…
And his name is Michael Bay.
Rarely has someone whose hair is trapped in 1989 ever brought so much child-like excitement to me (besides Mart McFly) than Michael Bay.
Yes, his filmography is a hit and miss of atrocious summer blockbusters. Starting out decent and descending into Abysmal. Bad Boys. The Rock. Armageddon. Pearl Harbor. Bad Boys II. The Island. Transformers. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (yes, I didn’t even refer to is as Transformers 2).
Are any of these movies really that good? Do they have any real substance or resonance? Well, no. Not really. But, boy, I tell you what – they get me (for the most part).
The ones I love:
Armageddon. Boy, do I love this movie. I didn’t expect much from it when I first plopped it in the vcr as an unsuspecting 15 year-old. From that moment to this day I still get chills during the final scene when Harry sacrifices himself for his daughter, Ben Affleck, and the world. With Liv sitting at the Nasa multi-screen, her hand on the blank TV as she cries into the table – whew. Boy, let’s not cry get womanly – but yeah, this movie hits every note for me.
The Island. Was I the only person with no tastewho liked this movie (and, apparently, judging by the box office receipts, watched it)? How can you go wrong? Sci-Fi: check. Cool story: check. Cool effects: check. Scarlett Johanson looking hotter than she will ever look again: check. Car chases and an overuse ofslow motion cinematogrpahy: check. How did this not work? Thought it was great. Love it. Didn’y cry as hardget womanly as Armageddeon, but with no Bruce Willis, who can blame you, Michael?
Like:
The Rock. As far as a movie goes – most likely his best (but, for me, there’s no accounting for taste). Cool performances. An introduction to Bay for the world.
Transformers. Not too bad for a movie about talking robots, let’s be honest. With the source, (other than the scene where the robots hide from Sam’s parents and the one robot pisses on the dog (or something)) not too bad.
Hate:
Sorry, Michael, my love, but Pearl Harbor sucked ass. Could you have raped any more WWII veterans in two hours and forty-five minutes without an entire prison attacking a VA hospital? Good lord, what a heap of poo.
Anyways, so, yes, taste aside – why do I love Michael Bay films so much? I have can watch him films over and over again (and no, I don’t own the Critereon edition of Armageddon). Is it the slow-motion shots that always make me feel like I’m in the action? The world-is-going-to-end plots? The incredible acting? The great soundtracks (can anyone not hear “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith and not cry get womanly?)?
Shoot, I dunno…
But I’ll keep coming back for more (and rewatching my copy of Armageddon).
–the creator
HILARIOUS!!!! I almost died last night, I was laughing so hard.